I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying,
Are the best I've ever had.
- Tears For Fears, "Mad World"
It really is all over now. After the last post where she said she only wanted to be friends we saw each other some more and started having sex. Tonight she admitted that she doesn't want a relationship.
So now I have to go through the pain of losing her in that way again along with the more mundane things which seem to hurt almost as much: putting away the second pillow on the bed, putting away the condoms for another 2 - or most likely more - years, returning to not being tidy, all the little things which just remind me that I'm alone. Again.
Even if I do manage to find someone else in another 2 years I'll be 35. Assuming I can even manage to survive that long. I don't want to - I don't think I can keep on fighting for so little happiness.
Why dream? Dreams only ever get crushed.