Inbetween Sufferings pt2
Posted 2011/09/11 18:59, in alexithymia blog depression love self-harm
...not "in between" any more.
The reason for there being hope in the last post? For the last couple of weeks I've been meeting up with a girl I met in a charity shop. We've been getting on well and although we both have a fair few issues between us (a lot of which are the same) we have quite a lot more "normal" stuff in common. She's pretty, great fun and a laugh. And, as usual, I fell for her pretty quickly (i can remember the exact moment: she wore an unusual outfit she'd made herself to the pub when we met up one night. At that point I fell in love with her). I thought things were going pretty well in a romantic direction.
This morning she told me she only wants to be friends.

I'd forgotten the "feeling" you get from self-harm (well, the absense of feeling anyway I guess). Now I remember it.
I have a few different spots I cut in and have noticed something odd. When I cut myself accidently elsewhere the blood usually flows pretty well and is quite bright. When I cut deliberately in these spots the blood is dark and clots almost immediately. It also seems quite greasy and thick/glutinous (I guess that's the clotting). It also dries into a thick layer which can easily be rubbed off like old paint - something which doesn't happen to the accidental cuts.
I wonder why. Maybe because it's because I'm cutting through so much scar tissue now? Or something to do with the razor blades? Or maybe the stress/suffering is doing something "internal" before I even cut - maybe my body knows what's going on or coming?
I don't really care. I just wish I didn't need to do it. But like every other wish - it's not going to come true.
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21:25:20 18/01/2012
I just feel like i need to say sorry and that I was being a complete idiot. I love you with all my heart I truly do you are the most important part of my day and my life. I'm sorry for messing you around so much I just didn't know how to say ,that I do love you in every special way.
21:38:57 18/01/2012
I love you too :). None of what came before matters now we have each other - only the future matters, and long may it be <3 xx
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