...not "in between" any more.

 

The reason for there being hope in the last post? For the last couple of weeks I've been meeting up with a girl I met in a charity shop. We've been getting on well and although we both have a fair few issues between us (a lot of which are the same) we have quite a lot more "normal" stuff in common. She's pretty, great fun and a laugh. And, as usual, I fell for her pretty quickly (i can remember the exact moment: she wore an unusual outfit she'd made herself to the pub when we met up one night. At that point I fell in love with her). I thought things were going pretty well in a romantic direction.

 

This morning she told me she only wants to be friends.

 

I'd forgotten the "feeling" you get from self-harm (well, the absense of feeling anyway I guess). Now I remember it.

 

I have a few different spots I cut in and have noticed something odd. When I cut myself accidently elsewhere the blood usually flows pretty well and is quite bright. When I cut deliberately in these spots the blood is dark and clots almost immediately. It also seems quite greasy and thick/glutinous (I guess that's the clotting). It also dries into a thick layer which can easily be rubbed off like old paint - something which doesn't happen to the accidental cuts.

 

I wonder why. Maybe because it's because I'm cutting through so much scar tissue now? Or something to do with the razor blades? Or maybe the stress/suffering is doing something "internal" before I even cut - maybe my body knows what's going on or coming?

 

I don't really care. I just wish I didn't need to do it. But like every other wish - it's not going to come true.