I seem currently to be living in a kind of "twilight" between the usual feeling shit and a kind of "hope". There is a reason for this (which I'll not explain at this time) but it doesn't make the "feeling" any less unpleasant.
I guess this is where the "emotional processing" issues really show up - I can, now, understand if I'm "feeling" shit (almost all the time) or happy (when loving someone) but can't figure out anything in between.
This is probably the worst time from a cognitive point of view as it's stressful because I know something is wrong but cannot do anything about it: a constant restlessness which can't be "dealt with", the inability to do anything even if you can find the desire to even want to do anything, and if you do drift into anything you cannot keep doing it as the mind just drifts back into the weird "vague" state (even writing this difficult because I can't remember anything I've written and keep losing the thread).
Of course, since I guess this is based on hope it'll all end soon enough when things go wrong again. As they always end up doing.
Cutting works to some degree. Unlike the really anxious state where the need is eventually triggered it's a conscious decision to start (assuming i can get my mind to concentrate long enough on the idea of doing it). Unlike the severe anxiety (where it doesn't hurt) there is a little pain but not much. And it does work - it takes away the tremours and some of the stress - i guess it takes away the underlying emotions causing the problem. It doesn't take away the concentration problems though (it's like "zombification" - some things seem to get done/written but i never remember doing them). I can usually sleep though (this always seems to be the case after cutting - i guess the anxiety/stress is physically tiring?). I slept for 10 hours the night before last and 12 last night. I'd rather be asleep - being awake just means stress and suffering anyway.
I guess it's ironic that being in a position to possibly get what i want doesn't take the pain away, if just changes it to another type.