I am not alive
Posted 2014/03/23 02:32, in blog depression
I am not alive
 
I am aware but that is it. My mind is not connected to my body - I cannot choose to act. "I" can request action but nothing happens.
 
Until I wrote this I was driving. Not to anywhere - just driving. I am aware that I am going slow and choose to speed up but my foot fails to respond. I dont speed up. I am aware of this but lack the capacity to deal with it. I continue slowly.
 
I am writing this because the car has stalled. It would appear that I just drifted to a stop. I dont remember this happening. I dont know how long ago this happened.
 
I remember very little - "I" am not here.
 
I will continue at some point. I am waiting to be able.
 
Things happen - I must have done them - I dont remember at all. Sometimes I can figure it out afterward (car stalled, in gear, no handbreak - must just have drifted to stop) - if I can be bothered.
 
Things occur to cause "mind" to shatter back into existence: sudden moment of fear - where am I? what happened? solutions may be found, changes may be made. Time flows, "I" dissolve.
 
Sometimes "reference frame" shifts - I am aware of myself, my actions: they occur but are not "mine". Actions are disjointed, unflowing, only partially correct - cannot alter - just observe (maybe always like this, just not observed?). Disconnected.
 
Cutting doesnt work here. Burning does. Maybe to prove that "I" have effect on the body? Has to be quick less the moment is lost and I cease to be alive. It hurts a little - forces some control back for a few minutes. Not long
 
Then "I" disconnect - thoughts slow - return to nothingness. No pain. Not alive.
 
Mind is trapped but unable to "care". Functionality is broken. Link to reality is miasing.
 
Reality is mind making sense of input - processing it and choosing outcomes. Mind disconnected from senses is disconnected from reality. Disconnect from reality is not alive.
 
"When there is no more room in hell the dead shall walk the earth" - I walk the earth. This is my hell.
 
And "I" am dead.
 
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