My name's Chris Dickens. I'm 31 and live in Evesham in the UK. I've been writing software for almost the last 20 years starting in BASIC, moving through Fortran and C to Java and PHP and now recently C#. I also build websites (such as this one) and have an interest in photography.
For the last 5 years I've suffered depression and anxiety, leading to...
The blog on this site is primarily a means for me to do two things: vent my feelings and try to understand the depression and the feelings causing it.
Toward the end of 2008 I started a CBT group to try to deal with the depression, part of this is to look closly at the causes of emotions/feelings. As this is something I'd not done until then it had quite a dramatic effect: I learned a) what I wanted in life, b) that I'd screwed up my life so far and c) I have problems dealing with or understanding emotions. All this led to taking an overdose on Xmas Eve.
What I wanted from life was simply to have a family. The trouble is, I've screwed up this far: as I've said, I'm 31. I've had only one, short-lived, relationship and I've no idea how to meet people and all the other things needed to achieve this goal.
As I've always found it difficult to deal with emotions and form emotional attachments to anyone I've never really had anyone to speak to about the depression, underlying issues or what I'm feeling. Someone suggested that I try writing it down instead - hence the entries on here, they are generally not written toward anyone but simply a means of getting things clear in my head. Not that this often works to be honest.
So, if you are happy or contented - it's probably best to skip the blog and stick to the rest of the site...
This site also includes any pictures, documents or software I want to make available to the world.